Communicating thru Divorce

With all the financial, legal, and childcare issues to resolve in divorce, it can feel overwhelming to make headway with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

Usually, one of the reasons the marriage isn't working is because communications have broken down. So how do you deal with these emotionally-laden topics in a way that keeps you (and your kids) sane and healthy?

The key is to realize the relationship you had with this person is changed. They are no longer a spouse and partner, but a co-parent. And the goal of this new relationship is healthy, self-sufficient, productive children. Think of it as a business relationship and stay focused on the goal. Have you ever had to work with someone who was difficult? This is no different - put your personal feelings aside and get to the point/goal immediately.

Helpful tips:

1. Minimize contact - communicate through text, email, or other medium that forces you both to stay brief and to the point (and less personal).
2. Minimize frequency - only communicate when you need to.
3. Stay topic-focused - talk about 1 item at a time, and don't switch topics.
4. Be brief - use as few words as possible to convey your message - review what you wrote before pressing send and eliminate all emotionally charged words and personal opinions (i.e., You SHOULD do XYZ).
5. Take hot topics that seem impossible to negotiate to a neutral third party (like a mediator). They can help you strengthen your communication skills with each other and relieve the stress of negotiating touchy or difficult subjects.

Building Relationships - "I see you"

One of the best things I experienced recently at a conference was the ability of the hostess to really acknowledge people for who they are. Sandra Yancey, who is in fact a relationship networker, knows the art of building relationships. As I watched from the audience, she told a woman who was a survivor because of a Donate Life organ "I see you." Wow! What could be more powerful in building a relationship than to really acknowledge a person for their survival, for their contribution to humanity, for their existence than looking someone straight in the eye and letting it be known that they are seen in the world?!

Now, we can't just go around telling people "I see you" without such a context. However, I think the bigger point is...when is the last time you made your spouse, your kids, your friends really feel seen? And what was the unique way in which you did it?


Becky Shook-Wotzka asking you to....design your own "I see you" this week, and post what you did.

Managing Baggage in Relationships

I'm sure that for many of us baggage is the least fun thing to deal with in relationships. However, managing baggage is probably one of the most important components of relationship design. Without it, relationships will spin into destructiveness quite quickly, or the baggage will whittle away at the health of a relationship until the energy is depleted in the couple and in each individual.

So, what do we do about baggage?

1. We learn what our own baggage is through some defined program that really helps you get underneath the surface.
2. Be in relationships where others are willing to understand and manage their own baggage.
3. Work with each other to identify triggers, and manage those triggers as a partnership.
4. Never stop managing baggage. Once you stop, you and the relationship will grow stagnant.

A couple of excellent programs for the first step in the process can be undertaken through:

a. breakonthru.org
b. landmarkeducation.com

Wishing you lifelong growth,


Becky Shook-Wotkza, M.A.

Part 1 of 2: Being Whole

Hello Again!

An interesting component that must be explored before the thought of a relationship should be entertained is the concept of being a whole person. A whole person does not need the approval of others to be confident. It is a state of being that radiates through a person, and is cultivated from within. It seems foreign because we are taught that how other people perceive us is a main motivation in what we do and how we act. There are so many distractions in daily life that the sound of our own voices gets easily drowned out by the unending stream of obligations, priorities, to do lists, and mainstream media.

So the challenge now, is to be still, and listen. What do you hear first? More internal chatter about what you forgot to do today is the likely answer. Ok, let that go, and listen again. Now what do you hear or see? Could it be a place that you once visited that you remember fondly? How about a memory of an accomplishment, or questions about the direction of your life? This is how you know you are headed in the right direction. Don't be surprised if you have to cycle through thousands of fear based thoughts to even begin to hear your true voice. The reality is that you have to keep at it. Every thought is a clue to us in the ways in which we are not whole. If you can recognize them as such, and understand what realm of programming they are, as well as the source, than you have accomplished an amazing feat. You have now begun to divine why you have certain thoughts. When you can do that, you can decide not to continue having them. Believe it or not the mind is actually just as programmable as your DVR.Unfortunately, the reprogramming process takes practice, and it is easy to give up if you are not seeing quick results, but stick with it for at least a month, and I know you will see results.

In my next blog, I will discuss defining joy. The exercise I have given here is meant to help you uncover your true voice. In the next blog we will actually begin to interpret that voice, as it can often seem as though it is in a foreign language :)

Many Blessings,

Nicolina Cahouette