In today's world, one of the most fundamental skills that every child should be taught is the skill of managing conflict. While I believe that more programs are arising to educate our youth on conflict resolution, our society still has a very long way to go. So, why conflict resolution skills?
First, the better couples manage conflict, the more likely they are to avoid marriage breakdown. Secondly, there will still be inevitable divorce, but with strong conflict management skills, divorcing couples can tap into that skill set and utilize it to move through all the steps needed to get a divorce. Third, it's not divorce that damages kids, it's how the parents handle conflict that can impact the children negatively or positively. Mediation is a great alternative for many people, and most come in with basic skills around being cooperative. However, what is sorely lacking in most cases is an understanding of the rules of how to play "fair" in mediation, how to manage one's internal self-conflict, and how to keep the big picture in mind that maintaining healthy relationships should be the first goal.
Becky Shook-Wotzka
To the development of earlier conflict management skills in kids
...because each relationship is a work of art!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
What I've Learned about Relationships from my work w/ Divorces, Part 2
As discussed prior, 3 extremely important lessons I've learned about relationships from my work with divorce are:
1) Aligned values are critical
2) Relationships are work
3) Take action, don't just complain
But, there's more. These are lessons learned, Part 2.
4) Acceptance is the key to long-standing relationships: Acceptance means that you can look at your spouse, understand his/her challenges, leverage his/her strengths, and learn to walk in his/her shoes. Acceptance is not about "tolerating" bad behaviors. It's about accepting where your spouse is, and challenging areas of growth where appropriate. Without acceptance, relationships cannot last.
5) Make time for the relationship: Who isn't so busy nowadays that they can't find time to even breathe at times? Okay, not literally, but really it's a world of so much busyness. Relationships today are about quality time, not quantity. So, when you actually have a little time to spend with your spouse, make it count!
6) A relationship without self-care is like a car without an engine: So, now you are telling me I have to find quality time with my spouse, and yet still take care of myself? Yep. Self-care can be such simple things like a massage once a month, a walk in the neighborhood, 10-minutes of downtime doing what you want to do when you get home.
This does not conclude all of my lessons learned, but hopefully adds a little more dimension to how we must consciously design our relationships. For example, make sure you and your partner capture your aligned values and what they mean to your family system. Have you built time in to your schedule for self-care and time with your spouse? If it's not scheduled, it doesn't happen. And what about conflict? Have you and your partners set rules around what happens when conflict erupts?
Conscious design: that's the biggest key of all to making relationships work!!!
Becky Shook-Wotzka
Making Relationships Work (even as an "Ex" or as a Co-parent)
1) Aligned values are critical
2) Relationships are work
3) Take action, don't just complain
But, there's more. These are lessons learned, Part 2.
4) Acceptance is the key to long-standing relationships: Acceptance means that you can look at your spouse, understand his/her challenges, leverage his/her strengths, and learn to walk in his/her shoes. Acceptance is not about "tolerating" bad behaviors. It's about accepting where your spouse is, and challenging areas of growth where appropriate. Without acceptance, relationships cannot last.
5) Make time for the relationship: Who isn't so busy nowadays that they can't find time to even breathe at times? Okay, not literally, but really it's a world of so much busyness. Relationships today are about quality time, not quantity. So, when you actually have a little time to spend with your spouse, make it count!
6) A relationship without self-care is like a car without an engine: So, now you are telling me I have to find quality time with my spouse, and yet still take care of myself? Yep. Self-care can be such simple things like a massage once a month, a walk in the neighborhood, 10-minutes of downtime doing what you want to do when you get home.
This does not conclude all of my lessons learned, but hopefully adds a little more dimension to how we must consciously design our relationships. For example, make sure you and your partner capture your aligned values and what they mean to your family system. Have you built time in to your schedule for self-care and time with your spouse? If it's not scheduled, it doesn't happen. And what about conflict? Have you and your partners set rules around what happens when conflict erupts?
Conscious design: that's the biggest key of all to making relationships work!!!
Becky Shook-Wotzka
Making Relationships Work (even as an "Ex" or as a Co-parent)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Coaching Through Transitions
Being a life coach is such a gift and it has allowed me to make so many positive changes in my life. Chief among them, is the ability to manage and organize myself around transitions that occur in my life. Strategies around change and how to manage them effectively is the gift that my education has granted me. I am now pleased to be able to offer my services to anyone who needs a coach to help with the brainstorming around solutions, the organization around roles and responsibilities, and the re-framing of challenges into manageable goals. We all need to remember that we in fact act on life also when life decides to act on us. We have a symbiotic partnership with everything around us. The one area that we can control is the effect that change has in our lives by how we respond to it. I choose to respond with an open mind and hands ready for action!
Blessings!
Nicolina Cahouette
Life and Relationship Coach
ncahouette@gmail.com
Blessings!
Nicolina Cahouette
Life and Relationship Coach
ncahouette@gmail.com
Sunday, January 15, 2012
What I've Learned about Relationships from my Work w/ Divorces: Part 1
I typically believe that the best way to learn anything is to look at successful models. However, a lot can be discovered in the depths of despair, as well as in those handlings of amicable couples who really want to work together.
Let's start w/ a moment of reflection on Carl Jung's profound statement: "Nothing effects the life of a child so much as the unlived life of its parents."
Wow! If that doesn't inform people of the damage done to kids who watch their parents idly stand by and "try" to make a relationship work, I don't know what does.
So, what have I learned about relationships?
1. Values Alignment: Partners must start out with the same values. If you think it's exciting to have philosopical differences about how to live life,then be that person's friend. Don't let the initial excitement of something new drive you in to a relationship.
2. Relationships are work: there's no way around it. But the work should be fun and something to look forward to. Hearing about my partner's new ideas and dreams, listening intently to what he needs from me to strengthen our relationship, discussing past baggage that gets in the way of NOW! There's no bigger destroyer of relationships than accumulated baggage with no landfill big enough to fit it all.
3. Action after a Complaint: If you spend more time complaining about your spouse to others then you are not keeping your relationship in an intimate and respectful light w/ your spouse. A little complaining w/ others who can hold you accountable to action is more than okay. But, complaining w/out action only reinforces the problem at hand.
More to come...Part 2 of Lessons Gleaned through Divorce Work about what makes Relationships Tick!
Becky Shook-Wotzka
To new beginnings through old ways of being.
Let's start w/ a moment of reflection on Carl Jung's profound statement: "Nothing effects the life of a child so much as the unlived life of its parents."
Wow! If that doesn't inform people of the damage done to kids who watch their parents idly stand by and "try" to make a relationship work, I don't know what does.
So, what have I learned about relationships?
1. Values Alignment: Partners must start out with the same values. If you think it's exciting to have philosopical differences about how to live life,then be that person's friend. Don't let the initial excitement of something new drive you in to a relationship.
2. Relationships are work: there's no way around it. But the work should be fun and something to look forward to. Hearing about my partner's new ideas and dreams, listening intently to what he needs from me to strengthen our relationship, discussing past baggage that gets in the way of NOW! There's no bigger destroyer of relationships than accumulated baggage with no landfill big enough to fit it all.
3. Action after a Complaint: If you spend more time complaining about your spouse to others then you are not keeping your relationship in an intimate and respectful light w/ your spouse. A little complaining w/ others who can hold you accountable to action is more than okay. But, complaining w/out action only reinforces the problem at hand.
More to come...Part 2 of Lessons Gleaned through Divorce Work about what makes Relationships Tick!
Becky Shook-Wotzka
To new beginnings through old ways of being.
Monday, December 12, 2011
"We Need to have a Talk" by Guest Blogger, Kim Whitt
My boyfriend and I had an issue come up in our 1 year old relationship. So, I spoke those dreaded words... "We need to have a talk." I boldly went over to him, presented a "readers digest" version of our issue, and promptly asked him..."So... what do you think?" He said, "I don't know... I'll have to think about it!" So... I gave him 5 seconds to ponder the issue as I stood there expecting a prompt answer. Once again I asked him, a bit more impatiently... "So, what should we do about this?." Once again, he looked at me with a bit of impatience in his eyes, raised his voice a bit and said, "I don't know... I'll have to think about it." I very patiently... gave him 10 more seconds and repeated the same question. This time, he raised his voice, furrowed his brow, and gave me the same answer more articulately and impatiently said..."I DON'T KNOW, I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT." I knew we were getting nowhere!
At the time, I felt he was just "pushing me away" emotionally. I felt he did not care, because he could not give me an instant answer! Years later... after studying personality types, I realized that my previous assumption of his response was dead wrong! He was not putting me off, or ignoring me. As a matter of fact, he was actually honoring me with his answer. You see... introverts must "think about" an issue, before they speak. Being that introverts (are the original inverters of "the cave,") they must go away to their "cave" for a few hours or days. They have to analyse the answer, go through every possible scenario for a possible solution, choose the best answer, and present it to me after it has been well thought out. Me, being the extravert that I am, will figure out the solution as I'm talking in the moment.
Had I understood personality types better, I would have been touched at his willingness to honor our relationship by actually being willing to take the time to "think about" our problem and dedicate the next several hours to its solution. Understanding this aspect alone could have changed our relationship immensely when it came to the area conflict. Could understanding personality types completely change your relationship? You bet! These little gems of information can change a relationship instantly... if you only know what they are.
If you would like to come to a teleconference or a seminar on "Personality Dating" or "Unlocking the Secrets of your Mate's Personalty" you can email Kim Whitt at kwhitt7@gmail.com. If you would like to schedule a seminar or to see when the next one will be, you can contact Kim Whitt at 916-708-9048. Change your relationship from "loser to lover" today!
Kim Whitt
KimWhitt.com
916-708-9048
Man coach, Destiny Trainer and Dating expert!
At the time, I felt he was just "pushing me away" emotionally. I felt he did not care, because he could not give me an instant answer! Years later... after studying personality types, I realized that my previous assumption of his response was dead wrong! He was not putting me off, or ignoring me. As a matter of fact, he was actually honoring me with his answer. You see... introverts must "think about" an issue, before they speak. Being that introverts (are the original inverters of "the cave,") they must go away to their "cave" for a few hours or days. They have to analyse the answer, go through every possible scenario for a possible solution, choose the best answer, and present it to me after it has been well thought out. Me, being the extravert that I am, will figure out the solution as I'm talking in the moment.
Had I understood personality types better, I would have been touched at his willingness to honor our relationship by actually being willing to take the time to "think about" our problem and dedicate the next several hours to its solution. Understanding this aspect alone could have changed our relationship immensely when it came to the area conflict. Could understanding personality types completely change your relationship? You bet! These little gems of information can change a relationship instantly... if you only know what they are.
If you would like to come to a teleconference or a seminar on "Personality Dating" or "Unlocking the Secrets of your Mate's Personalty" you can email Kim Whitt at kwhitt7@gmail.com. If you would like to schedule a seminar or to see when the next one will be, you can contact Kim Whitt at 916-708-9048. Change your relationship from "loser to lover" today!
Kim Whitt
KimWhitt.com
916-708-9048
Man coach, Destiny Trainer and Dating expert!
Monday, November 14, 2011
On Sensuality (from our guest blogger Georgette Taylor)
Who do you ‘”BE” in your sensuality?
I found out the hard way that the answer to this question is not some sort of futile pondering that leads to an answer of the psycho-babbling nature. Being a romance consultant for many years, I usually connect with many women about their sensuality; However, recently I was in an environment that required of me that I dig deeper into who I am as a sensual being. In a snap—just like that— my world opened to reveal something truly more beautiful than I had ever anticipated.
So this transformative life lesson came from an exercise with Life Coach Allyson Byrd:
She says to the group: “Write down your own advertisement of who you are”.
Immediately, what I thought was “I know that already”(okay, Ms. Ego stop talking). Then, I thought, “I’m not up for auction”. I envisioned the silver tongue auctioneer taking bids on little ole’ me.
After clearing away that visualization, I started to put pen to paper and thought “what a breeze, I can do that, no problem”. (Ms. Ego talking again). Let me pull out my mental list of attributes right now and get to writing because I know these things by heart. By the way, the list is quite long.
Okay let’s see, I’m an entrepreneur, a mother, a wife, a chauffeur, an administrative assistant…
So, as I am writing, Coach Allyson starts talking more and I realize, oh wait up, that is not what she wants. She wants us to write an advertisement about who we be, not who we are. Okay so let’s see, hmmm… I went back to work on it again. “Damn it, here it comes again, I am a mother, wife …blah…blah…blah...”
Five times I scratched out the first line because each line began with what I do. And what I do is mostly for others, not who I am for me. Now doing for others is not always a bad thing (only when it becomes a detriment to your well being—well that’s another blog).
Mounting frustration threatened to join the exercise.
Okay, hold up. I thought I knew who I was. I am seriously starting to feel a little sweaty and a little scared. Who was I? Are you feeling that way right now? Yeah I know. I thought I knew this crap.
What I found out in this exercise is that so many times our sensuality is compromised by a constant bombardment (of our own doing, of course) of things that do not suit us, that do not bring positive energy, or that suck out whatever positive energy we have!
So many of the things we do doesn’t at all address on any level who we truly are. Although little revealing snippets do pop out every now and then while I am in survival mode in this thing called “my life”. Then there are those rare moments when a revelation smacks us on the head, like Bam: Look at me, look at you and you finally get a fuller glimpse of the real you.
This was a Bam—a thoroughly defining moment for me—although I it took me one day after the activity to finally get the point of the “advertisement” exercise.
So I share my electric experience (below) with you today. Today is your chance, an opening and opportunity for you to express who you be sensually. Knowing is powerful.
Why? Because as I fine-tune my life I visualize it full of pleasure from the rhythmic beating of my heart to the beautiful sound of each breath—knowing this is my birthright.
So I ask you to write down who you be. Repeat it every day. Let your true sensual self shine from this day forward. It is a glorious opportunity to create the most authentic sensual self that is you.
How sensually wonderful is that?
Until next time, Stay sensually blissful and be blessed!
Here is my “Who I Be” statement—
• I am a strong advocate of intimate and sensual relationships.
• I am dynamically blissful.
• I am passion.
• I am enthusiastic about my “place” in this universe as an agent for positive sensual change, and I believe I can change the world with my extraordinary feminine energy.
• I am sensually powerful.
That is who I BE for ME. Who do you be, for you?
Please share if you would like. --Georgette Taylor 10/17/2011
I found out the hard way that the answer to this question is not some sort of futile pondering that leads to an answer of the psycho-babbling nature. Being a romance consultant for many years, I usually connect with many women about their sensuality; However, recently I was in an environment that required of me that I dig deeper into who I am as a sensual being. In a snap—just like that— my world opened to reveal something truly more beautiful than I had ever anticipated.
So this transformative life lesson came from an exercise with Life Coach Allyson Byrd:
She says to the group: “Write down your own advertisement of who you are”.
Immediately, what I thought was “I know that already”(okay, Ms. Ego stop talking). Then, I thought, “I’m not up for auction”. I envisioned the silver tongue auctioneer taking bids on little ole’ me.
After clearing away that visualization, I started to put pen to paper and thought “what a breeze, I can do that, no problem”. (Ms. Ego talking again). Let me pull out my mental list of attributes right now and get to writing because I know these things by heart. By the way, the list is quite long.
Okay let’s see, I’m an entrepreneur, a mother, a wife, a chauffeur, an administrative assistant…
So, as I am writing, Coach Allyson starts talking more and I realize, oh wait up, that is not what she wants. She wants us to write an advertisement about who we be, not who we are. Okay so let’s see, hmmm… I went back to work on it again. “Damn it, here it comes again, I am a mother, wife …blah…blah…blah...”
Five times I scratched out the first line because each line began with what I do. And what I do is mostly for others, not who I am for me. Now doing for others is not always a bad thing (only when it becomes a detriment to your well being—well that’s another blog).
Mounting frustration threatened to join the exercise.
Okay, hold up. I thought I knew who I was. I am seriously starting to feel a little sweaty and a little scared. Who was I? Are you feeling that way right now? Yeah I know. I thought I knew this crap.
What I found out in this exercise is that so many times our sensuality is compromised by a constant bombardment (of our own doing, of course) of things that do not suit us, that do not bring positive energy, or that suck out whatever positive energy we have!
So many of the things we do doesn’t at all address on any level who we truly are. Although little revealing snippets do pop out every now and then while I am in survival mode in this thing called “my life”. Then there are those rare moments when a revelation smacks us on the head, like Bam: Look at me, look at you and you finally get a fuller glimpse of the real you.
This was a Bam—a thoroughly defining moment for me—although I it took me one day after the activity to finally get the point of the “advertisement” exercise.
So I share my electric experience (below) with you today. Today is your chance, an opening and opportunity for you to express who you be sensually. Knowing is powerful.
Why? Because as I fine-tune my life I visualize it full of pleasure from the rhythmic beating of my heart to the beautiful sound of each breath—knowing this is my birthright.
So I ask you to write down who you be. Repeat it every day. Let your true sensual self shine from this day forward. It is a glorious opportunity to create the most authentic sensual self that is you.
How sensually wonderful is that?
Until next time, Stay sensually blissful and be blessed!
Here is my “Who I Be” statement—
• I am a strong advocate of intimate and sensual relationships.
• I am dynamically blissful.
• I am passion.
• I am enthusiastic about my “place” in this universe as an agent for positive sensual change, and I believe I can change the world with my extraordinary feminine energy.
• I am sensually powerful.
That is who I BE for ME. Who do you be, for you?
Please share if you would like. --Georgette Taylor 10/17/2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Knowing your Values
How do values play in to a relationship? Quite a lot actually. It's interesting how I knew values were important to a relationship, but once I started facilitating divorces, I really GOT how important values are to the success of a relationship.
What are values? Values are different from interests. Interests are "likes" and our "likes" can change over time, and/or stay somewhat consistent. Values are the deep beliefs we have that are unchangeable. The level of emphasis that one lives his/her values can be stronger or weaker as the years go on, but they don't ever become non-existent in one's life.
For example, I used to have "achievement" (especially as it relates to work) as my number one value. Over time, I've learned to emphasize that a little less as I've grown my family, but it's still there and it's still important to me. It just shows up in a different level of magnitude, and even in a slightly different form.
In my first serious relationship, achievement was probably not anywhere in the top 10 values my fiance held. We were together for four years, and they were wonderful years where I learned the value of play, letting go, being more relaxed. However, long-term this was not a relationship that I could have made workable, because my value on achievement was so important, and the level of playing and relaxation he wanted did not support the level of achievement I wanted in my life. We valued very different things.
I see partners all the time who come for a divorce and one of the top reasons people divorce is a misalignment of values. So, what is one of the most important things that we should do in designing relationships? Get clear on your values, and spend time understanding the values of those you plan on being in relationship with.
What are your top five values?
What are values? Values are different from interests. Interests are "likes" and our "likes" can change over time, and/or stay somewhat consistent. Values are the deep beliefs we have that are unchangeable. The level of emphasis that one lives his/her values can be stronger or weaker as the years go on, but they don't ever become non-existent in one's life.
For example, I used to have "achievement" (especially as it relates to work) as my number one value. Over time, I've learned to emphasize that a little less as I've grown my family, but it's still there and it's still important to me. It just shows up in a different level of magnitude, and even in a slightly different form.
In my first serious relationship, achievement was probably not anywhere in the top 10 values my fiance held. We were together for four years, and they were wonderful years where I learned the value of play, letting go, being more relaxed. However, long-term this was not a relationship that I could have made workable, because my value on achievement was so important, and the level of playing and relaxation he wanted did not support the level of achievement I wanted in my life. We valued very different things.
I see partners all the time who come for a divorce and one of the top reasons people divorce is a misalignment of values. So, what is one of the most important things that we should do in designing relationships? Get clear on your values, and spend time understanding the values of those you plan on being in relationship with.
What are your top five values?
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