"We Need to have a Talk" by Guest Blogger, Kim Whitt

My boyfriend and I had an issue come up in our 1 year old relationship. So, I spoke those dreaded words... "We need to have a talk." I boldly went over to him, presented a "readers digest" version of our issue, and promptly asked him..."So... what do you think?" He said, "I don't know... I'll have to think about it!" So... I gave him 5 seconds to ponder the issue as I stood there expecting a prompt answer. Once again I asked him, a bit more impatiently... "So, what should we do about this?." Once again, he looked at me with a bit of impatience in his eyes, raised his voice a bit and said, "I don't know... I'll have to think about it." I very patiently... gave him 10 more seconds and repeated the same question. This time, he raised his voice, furrowed his brow, and gave me the same answer more articulately and impatiently said..."I DON'T KNOW, I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT." I knew we were getting nowhere!

At the time, I felt he was just "pushing me away" emotionally. I felt he did not care, because he could not give me an instant answer! Years later... after studying personality types, I realized that my previous assumption of his response was dead wrong! He was not putting me off, or ignoring me. As a matter of fact, he was actually honoring me with his answer. You see... introverts must "think about" an issue, before they speak. Being that introverts (are the original inverters of "the cave,") they must go away to their "cave" for a few hours or days. They have to analyse the answer, go through every possible scenario for a possible solution, choose the best answer, and present it to me after it has been well thought out. Me, being the extravert that I am, will figure out the solution as I'm talking in the moment.

Had I understood personality types better, I would have been touched at his willingness to honor our relationship by actually being willing to take the time to "think about" our problem and dedicate the next several hours to its solution. Understanding this aspect alone could have changed our relationship immensely when it came to the area conflict. Could understanding personality types completely change your relationship? You bet! These little gems of information can change a relationship instantly... if you only know what they are.

If you would like to come to a teleconference or a seminar on "Personality Dating" or "Unlocking the Secrets of your Mate's Personalty" you can email Kim Whitt at kwhitt7@gmail.com. If you would like to schedule a seminar or to see when the next one will be, you can contact Kim Whitt at 916-708-9048. Change your relationship from "loser to lover" today!

Kim Whitt
KimWhitt.com
916-708-9048

Man coach, Destiny Trainer and Dating expert!

On Sensuality (from our guest blogger Georgette Taylor)

Who do you ‘”BE” in your sensuality?
I found out the hard way that the answer to this question is not some sort of futile pondering that leads to an answer of the psycho-babbling nature. Being a romance consultant for many years, I usually connect with many women about their sensuality; However, recently I was in an environment that required of me that I dig deeper into who I am as a sensual being. In a snap—just like that— my world opened to reveal something truly more beautiful than I had ever anticipated.
So this transformative life lesson came from an exercise with Life Coach Allyson Byrd:
She says to the group: “Write down your own advertisement of who you are”.
Immediately, what I thought was “I know that already”(okay, Ms. Ego stop talking). Then, I thought, “I’m not up for auction”. I envisioned the silver tongue auctioneer taking bids on little ole’ me.
After clearing away that visualization, I started to put pen to paper and thought “what a breeze, I can do that, no problem”. (Ms. Ego talking again). Let me pull out my mental list of attributes right now and get to writing because I know these things by heart. By the way, the list is quite long.
Okay let’s see, I’m an entrepreneur, a mother, a wife, a chauffeur, an administrative assistant…
So, as I am writing, Coach Allyson starts talking more and I realize, oh wait up, that is not what she wants. She wants us to write an advertisement about who we be, not who we are. Okay so let’s see, hmmm… I went back to work on it again. “Damn it, here it comes again, I am a mother, wife …blah…blah…blah...”
Five times I scratched out the first line because each line began with what I do. And what I do is mostly for others, not who I am for me. Now doing for others is not always a bad thing (only when it becomes a detriment to your well being—well that’s another blog).
Mounting frustration threatened to join the exercise.
Okay, hold up. I thought I knew who I was. I am seriously starting to feel a little sweaty and a little scared. Who was I? Are you feeling that way right now? Yeah I know. I thought I knew this crap.
What I found out in this exercise is that so many times our sensuality is compromised by a constant bombardment (of our own doing, of course) of things that do not suit us, that do not bring positive energy, or that suck out whatever positive energy we have!
So many of the things we do doesn’t at all address on any level who we truly are. Although little revealing snippets do pop out every now and then while I am in survival mode in this thing called “my life”. Then there are those rare moments when a revelation smacks us on the head, like Bam: Look at me, look at you and you finally get a fuller glimpse of the real you.
This was a Bam—a thoroughly defining moment for me—although I it took me one day after the activity to finally get the point of the “advertisement” exercise.
So I share my electric experience (below) with you today. Today is your chance, an opening and opportunity for you to express who you be sensually. Knowing is powerful.
Why? Because as I fine-tune my life I visualize it full of pleasure from the rhythmic beating of my heart to the beautiful sound of each breath—knowing this is my birthright.
So I ask you to write down who you be. Repeat it every day. Let your true sensual self shine from this day forward. It is a glorious opportunity to create the most authentic sensual self that is you.
How sensually wonderful is that?
Until next time, Stay sensually blissful and be blessed!
Here is my “Who I Be” statement—
• I am a strong advocate of intimate and sensual relationships.
• I am dynamically blissful.
• I am passion.
• I am enthusiastic about my “place” in this universe as an agent for positive sensual change, and I believe I can change the world with my extraordinary feminine energy.
• I am sensually powerful.
That is who I BE for ME. Who do you be, for you?
Please share if you would like. --Georgette Taylor 10/17/2011

Knowing your Values

How do values play in to a relationship? Quite a lot actually. It's interesting how I knew values were important to a relationship, but once I started facilitating divorces, I really GOT how important values are to the success of a relationship.

What are values? Values are different from interests. Interests are "likes" and our "likes" can change over time, and/or stay somewhat consistent. Values are the deep beliefs we have that are unchangeable. The level of emphasis that one lives his/her values can be stronger or weaker as the years go on, but they don't ever become non-existent in one's life.

For example, I used to have "achievement" (especially as it relates to work) as my number one value. Over time, I've learned to emphasize that a little less as I've grown my family, but it's still there and it's still important to me. It just shows up in a different level of magnitude, and even in a slightly different form.

In my first serious relationship, achievement was probably not anywhere in the top 10 values my fiance held. We were together for four years, and they were wonderful years where I learned the value of play, letting go, being more relaxed. However, long-term this was not a relationship that I could have made workable, because my value on achievement was so important, and the level of playing and relaxation he wanted did not support the level of achievement I wanted in my life. We valued very different things.

I see partners all the time who come for a divorce and one of the top reasons people divorce is a misalignment of values. So, what is one of the most important things that we should do in designing relationships? Get clear on your values, and spend time understanding the values of those you plan on being in relationship with.

What are your top five values?

Creative in Life

Hello again!

I was prompted to write on the subject of creativity and how it applies to the solution process. Most people tend to think of creativity just as it applies to an artistic discipline of some sort. The truth is, creativity is a state of mind that can be applied to any situation. It really is where we get out of our own way and let the inspired information be channeled through us. Creativity is the place where the ego is temporarily put to sleep so that a bigger voice can be heard. A voice that has such a clear and present focus that it seems effortless for us to arrive at solutions for some of the most daunting of challenges we face.

Creativity, like resilience is one of the most useful qualities that we can cultivate in this three dimensional space we inhabit. Creativity allows us to look at all situations as opportunities rather than obstacles, helping to reprogram the worry response in the brain. Not only is this beneficial from a health standpoint, it affects all areas of life in a profound manner, validating the co-creator in all of us.

Some things to note that describe a creative experience include a loss of time, feeling like you weren't even struggling to form the idea, like it just came to you, and a giddy feeling of excitement. You may even notice that the right side of your brain feels tingly and warm. I know it seems strange to feel your brain working on a physical level, but I can tell you from my own experience it is true. Most of the time we just don't notice it, as it is quite subtle.

Something to try so you can understand your own creative process, and its place in your life and relationships more. The next time you are in the creative zone, take note of what is happening. What does it feel like, physically, emotionally, spiritually? What happened right before, what were the conditions? How can the same process be applied to problem solving in other areas of your life? Sometimes finding a quiet place to listen is key, and you need to listen beyond the random string of thoughts that roll through your mind. You should arrive at a place of stillness, which is really more of a laser sharp focus. Then consider the dilemma, or question, take note of what you receive.

This is a form of creative journaling that you may find useful! I know I have! So tell me what you think after you have tried it. I hope you find that understanding the creative source within you can open up new ways to design your relationships and life!!!

Many Blessings,

Nicolina

Servant Relatedness

Many of us have heard the term "servant leadership". Servant leadership is the ability of a leader to meet the needs of his/her followers. I thought about an interesting new term today of which I have titled "servant relatedness." This could be defined as the ability of each person in a relationship to serve his/her partner. I like the concept of asking myself "how can I serve my partner?"

In looking at serving others, there is another important concept tied to giving which is: do I give to serve others w/out giving myself away? In other words, am I a sacrifical giver? I'm pretty sure I used to be a sacrifical giver. I'd give so much to everyone else around me that by the time I was finished there was nothing left for myself. So? Well, there are lots of consequences to this kind of behavior such as resentment of others, the time it takes to refill from empty, and a potential to open yourself to being walked over.

So, how do I serve w/out being a sacrifical giver? The first rule of thumb: make sure your air mask is on first, and then help the person next to you. If I'm not on full, how can I be sharing fuel w/ others? This means that servant relatedness has a wonderful balance between serving others and serving one's self. We must first take care of ourselves to take care of others.

How will you make sure your energy is high so you can be of service to your partner?

-Becky Shook-Wotzka

Compromise or Collaboration?

Undoubtedly, many of us would say that compromise is a natural part of any relationship. I don't think we can stay in a relationship without some compromise. However, I would like to propose a reframing from compromise to collaboration.

What's the difference? Compromise comes from a place of "you win, I lose" or "I win, you lose". Collaboration comes from a space of "we have a common commitment and how do we work towards that commitment together?"

This weekend is a good example of the tug between collaboration and compromise between my husband and myself. I was set on getting our goals, activities and tasks in order, and while he wanted to do that, he just didn't want to do it at 6:00am. In my hyper-state of we need to get it done now, I was blocking our commitment to an extraordinary life and relationship, because extraordinariness doesn't happen right now! It takes time, cultivation, care. So, in essence, what I wanted wasn't what I really wanted because it didn't fit with my long-term commitment of living an extraordinary life.

I find that this happens a lot. In the short-term, we think we want something, and we have to compromise w/ others in relationships to get even a part of what we want. Instead, we need to pause and ask ourselves "what is the larger commitment we have?" What are the best next steps to get us to our larger vision?

You see, in my example, needing to goal set at 6:00am is completely anxiety driven. It's not commitment-driven. So, I had to get off my high-horse, relax in the morning air, and make sure the space we live in has the right atmosphere for creativity later on.

Now, my head is clear, and I can create a goal-setting environment in nature where we can be most creative. And the results are guaranteed to be at least if not more than twice as good.

Collaboratively in life,

Becky Shook-Wotzka

Can You Hear Me Now?

When we examine the qualities that happy relationships have, whether it's a familial or relational kind of arrangement, a key ingredient always exists. If you have ever heard someone say, "he or she just gets me", they are saying one very important thing: That their perception of who I am and what I say is accurate.

I cannot stress this concept enough. In our busy world which incorporates so much outside stimuli, our inner world is very busy too. Our thoughts, and perceptions about everything are colored by a sort of tapestry that is comprised of so many different threads or elements. These elements consist of our attitudes, beliefs, personality traits, and memories. All of these things color and categorize the many types of input we receive. Having experienced this recently myself, I can tell you that even the most trained minds can fall prey to the insidious adversary of faulty perception.

Some of the best therapists, communicators, and leaders have the gift of empathy and objectivity, which allows for the listener to be completely present in what the communicator or sender is saying. So much so, that the listener is almost transported into the sender's own mind, viewing the words as a multidimensional sensory experience, and validating the sender's very core without the distraction of their own internal filters and biases. I call this ability a gift because it is an advantage in life, but not in the sense that you either have it, or you don't. This like any other interest can be learned and practiced vigorously.

In all the relationships we have, we design them based on a negative, and I don't really think most people realize they are doing it. When we think about past relationships and why they didn't work and what we don't want in any future relationships we are actually reinforcing the electromagnetic field in our immediate vicinity to continue to draw the past into our present and recreate the same past patterns over and over. How? The first thing we get on a sensory level when coming into contact with another person is a distinct feeling that begins to size that person up in our minds.This happens because their own field of energy is interacting with our own, communicating information about that person on the deepest of levels.

The key is to begin to envision wants and desires in the positive. I want my relationship to cultivate these_______ positive qualities. This is important in all relationships. I have seen this concept dramatically alter romantic relationships, and familial, even work relationships.This concept requires a divergence in thinking, a complete 180 degree shift from the current pattern of trying to manifest changes to this reality in the negative.The other element to this concept is practice. Your mind is a machine based on pattern recognition. Think about the word RE COGNITION (repeated thought process). It will be very hard to implement a new way of thinking based on the mind's ardent desire to repeat patterns. However with diligent practice, this shift can occur. New synaptic connections between neurons can form while the old ones are pruned away if they are consistently reinforced with diligent practice.

The concepts of true reflective listening, and being aware of the subtle fields of energy around us can greatly enhance the level at which we interact, and move in the worlds around us. I say "worlds" because each interaction is a voyage into the unknown regions of another person's planet, the shores of their sea, their mountains and valleys. Just as a vacation to a wonder of nature is a healing and rejuvenating experience, so can be the journey into another's world through conscious and reflective interaction. So now I ask you...

Can you hear me now?


Blessings,

Nicolina

Relationship to Self

One type of relationship we often forget about when discussing "relationships" is our relationship to ourselves. Yet, this is the most important relationship of all. If I don't have a good relationship to myself, how can I have a good relationship w/ others? I heard someone say recently that my success can never exceed my self-esteem. I would suggest this is also true for relationships. The health of my relationship can never exceed the health of my relationship with self.

Have you taken time lately to look at your relationship to self?

Becky Shook-Wotzka,
An on-going student of self-care

Part 2 of 2: Defining Joy

The undercurrents of our lives exist as a direct connection to our intuition. They are the feelings that we can choose to listen to. Intuition has so many useful applications. We are all familiar with the "bad" feeling we get when we are in a situation that is unsafe, or a person makes us uncomfortable for no apparent reason. These intuitive feelings seek to keep us safe. They are apart of our emotional guidance system.

These feelings can also serve as guides in our lives for direction, meaning, and joy. They are indicator feelings. If you subscribe to the belief that there are no coincidences than these feelings when trusted can lead to amazing moments of self discovery, and new directions in life. The source of these feelings is the subtle field of possibilities that arise on the sub-atomic level as a behavior of particles. the source of that activity is a part of the great mystery whose nature is theorized rather than determined.

When wondering if these feelings should be trusted, in my experience there is a knowing that accompanies this intuition that has no basis in fear. It is a knowing akin to knowing that for at least the next 5 billion years, the sun will rise and set. Ok,so how is this voice heard? That is the question that has a process.

The process is quiet, quiet in the place, quiet in the mind. Allow the thoughts to come and go, for those without practice this may take a while. Eventually, noise of thoughts about anything and everything will quiet down. This is the time when your true intuitive voice can be heard clearly.The feeling that accompanies these messages is a tranquility that builds, moving through the body slowly to all energy centers, clearing the grime, doubt, stress, and worry from our emotional bodies. It is also a good idea to keep a notepad handy for after your session, recording important intuitions for later review. So I want you to try this and post your results. I am excited to see what messages you have received from your higher intuitive self. Happy listening!!!!

Blessings,

Nicolina M. Cahouette

Communicating thru Divorce

With all the financial, legal, and childcare issues to resolve in divorce, it can feel overwhelming to make headway with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

Usually, one of the reasons the marriage isn't working is because communications have broken down. So how do you deal with these emotionally-laden topics in a way that keeps you (and your kids) sane and healthy?

The key is to realize the relationship you had with this person is changed. They are no longer a spouse and partner, but a co-parent. And the goal of this new relationship is healthy, self-sufficient, productive children. Think of it as a business relationship and stay focused on the goal. Have you ever had to work with someone who was difficult? This is no different - put your personal feelings aside and get to the point/goal immediately.

Helpful tips:

1. Minimize contact - communicate through text, email, or other medium that forces you both to stay brief and to the point (and less personal).
2. Minimize frequency - only communicate when you need to.
3. Stay topic-focused - talk about 1 item at a time, and don't switch topics.
4. Be brief - use as few words as possible to convey your message - review what you wrote before pressing send and eliminate all emotionally charged words and personal opinions (i.e., You SHOULD do XYZ).
5. Take hot topics that seem impossible to negotiate to a neutral third party (like a mediator). They can help you strengthen your communication skills with each other and relieve the stress of negotiating touchy or difficult subjects.

Building Relationships - "I see you"

One of the best things I experienced recently at a conference was the ability of the hostess to really acknowledge people for who they are. Sandra Yancey, who is in fact a relationship networker, knows the art of building relationships. As I watched from the audience, she told a woman who was a survivor because of a Donate Life organ "I see you." Wow! What could be more powerful in building a relationship than to really acknowledge a person for their survival, for their contribution to humanity, for their existence than looking someone straight in the eye and letting it be known that they are seen in the world?!

Now, we can't just go around telling people "I see you" without such a context. However, I think the bigger point is...when is the last time you made your spouse, your kids, your friends really feel seen? And what was the unique way in which you did it?


Becky Shook-Wotzka asking you to....design your own "I see you" this week, and post what you did.

Managing Baggage in Relationships

I'm sure that for many of us baggage is the least fun thing to deal with in relationships. However, managing baggage is probably one of the most important components of relationship design. Without it, relationships will spin into destructiveness quite quickly, or the baggage will whittle away at the health of a relationship until the energy is depleted in the couple and in each individual.

So, what do we do about baggage?

1. We learn what our own baggage is through some defined program that really helps you get underneath the surface.
2. Be in relationships where others are willing to understand and manage their own baggage.
3. Work with each other to identify triggers, and manage those triggers as a partnership.
4. Never stop managing baggage. Once you stop, you and the relationship will grow stagnant.

A couple of excellent programs for the first step in the process can be undertaken through:

a. breakonthru.org
b. landmarkeducation.com

Wishing you lifelong growth,


Becky Shook-Wotkza, M.A.

Part 1 of 2: Being Whole

Hello Again!

An interesting component that must be explored before the thought of a relationship should be entertained is the concept of being a whole person. A whole person does not need the approval of others to be confident. It is a state of being that radiates through a person, and is cultivated from within. It seems foreign because we are taught that how other people perceive us is a main motivation in what we do and how we act. There are so many distractions in daily life that the sound of our own voices gets easily drowned out by the unending stream of obligations, priorities, to do lists, and mainstream media.

So the challenge now, is to be still, and listen. What do you hear first? More internal chatter about what you forgot to do today is the likely answer. Ok, let that go, and listen again. Now what do you hear or see? Could it be a place that you once visited that you remember fondly? How about a memory of an accomplishment, or questions about the direction of your life? This is how you know you are headed in the right direction. Don't be surprised if you have to cycle through thousands of fear based thoughts to even begin to hear your true voice. The reality is that you have to keep at it. Every thought is a clue to us in the ways in which we are not whole. If you can recognize them as such, and understand what realm of programming they are, as well as the source, than you have accomplished an amazing feat. You have now begun to divine why you have certain thoughts. When you can do that, you can decide not to continue having them. Believe it or not the mind is actually just as programmable as your DVR.Unfortunately, the reprogramming process takes practice, and it is easy to give up if you are not seeing quick results, but stick with it for at least a month, and I know you will see results.

In my next blog, I will discuss defining joy. The exercise I have given here is meant to help you uncover your true voice. In the next blog we will actually begin to interpret that voice, as it can often seem as though it is in a foreign language :)

Many Blessings,

Nicolina Cahouette

Designing a Romantic Relationship

In working with clients who are ready to attract a partner, I usually start with 2 tools:

(1) Guided Meditation: Opening a space to help them connect inward to their heart's true desires. This means quieting the mind and starting to listen to the wiser, deeper, more grounded part of who we are. This is a pre-requisite for the steps that follow. Why? Because creating out of our "minds" will produce inconsistent, incomplete, and sometimes even disasterous results. Our minds/brains are great for analyzing data, labeling, comparing, etc. But the mind can't create. It can't effectively lead our lives. Only the Authentic Self can do these things in a way that brings us true fulfillment and joy.

(2) Ideal Scene for a Romantic Partner: Creating a description and vision that is truly aligned with our hearts and souls is a magical, fun, illuminating process. Ideal Scenes are filled with energy, enthusiasm, and grace. They invoke a power greater than ourselves to co-create our vision (or something even better) for the highest good of all concerned. They are positive, uplifting, and powerful. And they work. I have created everything in my life for the past 8 years using Ideal Scenes - my ideal partner, our dream home, health and well-being, our successful businesses, enhanced prosperity, a conscious community of friends and co-workers. I am literally living the life of my dreams. But not the dreams of my ego which don't really ever satisify -- the dreams of my heart and soul which allow me to experience amazing goodness in my life and share that with others to enhance their lives.

How do you create an Ideal Scene? Well, there are a few requirements, some of which I'll share in a future blog. If you can't wait to learn about them, then check out the creators of these tools at The University of Santa Monica. They have a 2 years Masters program in Spiritual Psychology that guides you step-by-step through the process, along with many other tools for creating the life you deserve. Or check out their weekend workshops (Loyalty to Your Soul)!

Dawn Hanley, M.A.
Break on Thru

Deepening our Relationships

The biggest driver of deepening any relationship is self-care; self-care on the part of yourself and the other in a relationship. We've seen it time and time again: one partner loses interest in enhancing themselves, keeping themselves at the same level of integrity they once had w/ their partner, or even losing the skill of acceptance w/ one's partner....what happens? The relationship quickly falls apart.

Many people really do put their relationships on auto-pilot. The result of auto-pilot: we quickly lose sight of reality, get stuck in our own self-centered thoughts, and even subconsciously cause potential or actual accidents. So, how do we create continual self-care?

One of the best solutions, which is the same thing we do when we realize we are on autopilot while driving: COME BACK TO THE PRESENT!

There is a whole art and science around being in the present. The study of mindfulness is an entire discipline on being present in the moment and how to use the "now" to be your fully, centered self.

Deepening a relationship involves a level of "being in the now" that doesn't come naturally to many. We get lost in our own thoughts & worries, processing tomorrow's to do lists. Our partner is talking and we are lost in our own world. Yep, that's the way to deepen a relationship :-)

While being in the present sounds deceptively simple, we all fall prey to the predator lurking in our minds ready to overtake our focus on what is going on in the "right now". True connection is only possible when we can keep ourselves in the "now". And that entails bringing ourselves back to the "now" again and again and again and again. It's a neverending practice.

So, the next time you get lost in your thoughts, ask yourself these questions? How often do I do this, and what is the impact of not fully being in the moment now with the person I am relating to? What might be different if I was fully present?

Becky Shook-Wotzka
Practitioner of the "Now"

Recovering from Infidelity

Well, a little different post today, but one that springboards from Nicolina's post. Here's the tv piece she was referring to in her post. Take a look at the tips for recovering from infidelity, and the tv piece that talks about a variety of items related to marriage breakdown.

http://www.sacandco.net/story.aspx?storyid=142208&catid=341

Becky Shook-Wotzka
Sacramento & Co's Relationship Expert :-)

The Shadow Within

Hello Again!

A recent opportunity to assist a colleague on interview research for TV news got me thinking about human behavior. The interview is mainly about trends in divorce, and the prevalence of infidelity in relationships. The same night, I watched old lecture footage that Joseph Campbell released back in the early 90's. If you haven't read The Power of Myth, I highly suggest it. Some interesting concepts that he posed made me contemplate an interesting connection.

One of the archetypes present throughout history is the "shadow", the master of instinctual drives. The shadow lives in all of us no matter what our cultural origins are. The question I had after watching the lecture revolves around the concept of right and wrong. Is the shadow wrong for having the drive to satisfy instinctual urges, or is society a confining mechanism that doesn't take our biology into account. After writing about magnetism, I realized that recognition of the magnetic self cannot be entertained until the instinctual drive is examined in a logical objective manner, and managed effectively.

The cause of infidelity in relationships. The sentence itself has to have meaning to those who read it. A promise of monogamy, or polygamy looks very different based on the individuals involved in the system being described. The word infidelity carries a huge emotional and cultural stigma, yet humans have always had issues with being faithful over and over again throughout history. I tried to look at it another way, by understanding that the group defines the nature of its relationship boundaries. The group with the most members defines a societal standard. If a man has two wives, and the system works for that family, why is it legislated that they cannot be a family recognized by sanctions that protect their pursuit of happiness. The same rights should also be afforded to the other minority cultures that exist, and there are too many to name.

In recognizing that we are are not only magnetism, but also biology born of magnetism, I summon the strength to appreciate beauty without fear, to appreciate a family for the energy they reciprocate, and hold no claims to argue that any system that functions well is wrong.

On another note, a healthy relationship has to come with truth on both sides. The truth is that humans have biological urges that cause them to at look others besides their significant others and acknowledge their attractiveness. This does not have to be a slight against us. It is a reality, and can be quite fun to discuss why this other person is attractive to us in that moment. Since most infidelities have a communication component, the first step towards that behavior is a failure to communicate needs to one another on many possible levels. So know yourself, be strong and confident that you are a wonderful and compassionate partner in what ever type of relationship you choose to have. Honestly, it took me a long time to rationalize this, as I have been quite jealous, and suspicious in the past. I have been hurt, I have hurt others, but I have learned, and will continue to learn to the best human I can be for the greatest good of all concerned.

Nicolina

Where to Start in Relationship Design

Now that we've talked about the kinds of conscious relationships that are possible, how do we create them?

The most important step to getting started is to access what you really want, and by this I mean the Authentic You.

Often, what we "think" we want in a relationship is actually a list of traits or qualities that someone else has labeled as desireable -- your family, your community, or the media at large.

How many of us are taught to get quiet, to listen to our internal voices, and discern the difference between messages from our heart/ intution/ higher consciousness vs. our "mind" which mostly replays a series of pre-programmed ideas/beliefs? Often our mind and our intuition have conflicting or contradicting needs, desires, and beliefs. So the results we get in our relationships tend to reflect these confused and "muddy" inputs.

In my experience as a teacher, coach and counselor, this is the most important, and often difficult, step for people to take.

Working with someone skilled in quieting the chatter and helping you discern the voices of your inner committee is one way to move forward with confidence into a relationship that truly supports, challenges, and nurtures you in a healthy and joyful way.

Your journey is unique and the answers you seek are not to be found in a book or on a blog -- these are merely navigational tools to guide you toward your own inner reflection and that still, deep voice where the Authentic Self is waiting to reveal more and more of it's magic to you and the people in your life.

From this place of inner communion, the secrets of your Soul unfurl and transform all your relationships, drawing to you the perfect partner, friends, and community.

So how does a person begin to access the Authentic Self? There are many approaches and schools of thought. But what is most important is the experience.

So when you look back at times in your life where you felt(or knew) a calmer, wiser, more grounded part of yourself was providing you council, how did you access it? Can you repeat the process and experience that Self again?

Dawn Solem Hanley, M.A.
Founder and Educator at Break on Thru

On-going Consciousness

In the last post, we spoke about getting into a conscious relationship. Now, let's take that one step further. How do you stay in a conscious relationship? Even the best of the relationship experts will tell you that it can be just as difficult for those of us who know "how to" do it...what happens if you don't have all the tools/techniques you need?

We cannot emphasize strongly enough that in education there is not enough focus on how to have a good relationship. And I'm not just talking about a romantic relationship, but I'm talking about relationships with parents, with friends, with co-workers. Frankly, even having a good relationship to self is challenging.

So, what happens if you've been in a relationship for awhile, and you want a deeper level of connectedness. Do you have those friendships that just carry on and remain somewhat surface even though the friendship is not something you will walk away from? I had one of those a few years ago with my best friend whom has been in my life ever since the beginning of high school.

How were we as best friends? We got together once a month or so, we talked about work, things we were doing, how extended family members were doing. It was like any friendship, right? Probably, but it just didn't have enough depth for a best friend, or for even a dear friend. So, what did we do? Well, to be blunt, I requested she go to Landmark Education. And she did.

But why? Because our friendship was important enough for her and I to find alignment around communicating....I mean really communicating. Now, the depth of our friendship runs deeper than I have expected.

We can talk about anything and everything. We can talk about constipation, and ask for real "listening" to our relationship issues. We can challenge one another to reach higher. We can tell the other when we need the person to be blunt and tell us what we don't want to see. Or we can simply go for a walk to cut flowers for the table, or talk for long hours about our dreams.

My best friend and I didn't always have this. And I'm assuming there are others of you who may crave for more in your own relationships. Keep an eye out for future blogs on "deepening your relationships".

Here's to S.B. and another 20 years (of deep connected friendship),

Becky Shook-Wotzka

Conscious Love

Hello!

As someone who has purposefully designed the best romantic relationship I have ever had, I am very excited to be a part of this blog. Just to tell you all a little about myself. I am a graduate student of psychology going into marriage and family therapy. I am also a 35 year old woman who has had many relationships that had elements of what I thought I wanted at the time, but never really worked into something stable. I realized I had to really think about who I am and what would make a good fit for me. With this goal of conscious love in mind, I sat down and started writing a list.

My current significant other who was my friend at the time brought a very interesting concept to my brainstorming process. What is the common thread to all the relationships I have had previously? I discovered there were two common threads actually. One involved a feeling of "love at first site". Your heart races, you are flushed, and you have knots in your stomach. There is a strong feeling of anticipation and nervousness right? This is a chemical component. Signals in the brain that tell your endocrine system to have a emotionally based physical response which then guides you toward a specific pattern of responses. These responses are usually to act in a manner to keep the chemicals flowing, and then the relationship dance begins, a course that we are almost enslaved to until the chemicals stop flowing, most likely caused by a pattern of behavior that he or she displays that effectively "turns us off".

I realized very quickly that I had never thought about a romantic relationship in a rational manner when all of these chemical were dancing around in my veins, clouding my mind's ability to manage the situation objectively. Most people never think about the other main component to compatibility which is an energy, a magnetism that is unique to the people involved, and sustained by the reciprocal energy generated by those engaged in the relationship. This magnetism is fed by a desire from both people to evolve and learn, to explore and communicate, and when the wind of space can flow between both people who are whole unto themselves. Co-dependency cannot support this kind of energy.

As time went by and I got to know him more through friendship, I began to see that their was a magnetism generating between us through our conversations, our honesty, and shared ideas. While this energy continued to grow, a natural flirtation started to happen. I watched this closely, as I knew he was watching as well. Enough time went by that I was ready to have a conscious conversation about this. Wow, really? People can decide that they want to be together instead of following the lure of the human mating dance of biological responses? This was completely new to me! So with my new resolve, I tested the waters and took my flirting into a little more of an aggressive mode via text. This spawned his immediate attention, and a meeting was scheduled. I know it sounds cold, clinical, and scary, but it wasn't. It was honest, realistic, and radically different.

Our meeting took place promptly when he got off of work, and although I was nervous, I could still think clearly. The basis of discussion was a series of questions that we would ask each other, painting a picture of what our relationship would look like from communication styles, future plans, sexual and emotional intimacy. The conversation took roughly two hours. When we were finished and we both had the information we had sought, the time came for both of us to share our desired outcome. The next 45 minutes mostly involved making out, and laughing as the outcome was what we both wanted. Now we are a year and a half into the most wonderful conscious love experience we have ever had, and there has been no slowing, waning, or depleting of that magnetism between us. The energy flows out from us to all we love as a shining beacon of conscious awareness in love, and relationships. I have never felt so happy, and connected! I look forward to being able to help many others discover the path to sustainable, magnetic, conscious love!

Many Blessings!

Nicolina