How do values play in to a relationship? Quite a lot actually. It's interesting how I knew values were important to a relationship, but once I started facilitating divorces, I really GOT how important values are to the success of a relationship.
What are values? Values are different from interests. Interests are "likes" and our "likes" can change over time, and/or stay somewhat consistent. Values are the deep beliefs we have that are unchangeable. The level of emphasis that one lives his/her values can be stronger or weaker as the years go on, but they don't ever become non-existent in one's life.
For example, I used to have "achievement" (especially as it relates to work) as my number one value. Over time, I've learned to emphasize that a little less as I've grown my family, but it's still there and it's still important to me. It just shows up in a different level of magnitude, and even in a slightly different form.
In my first serious relationship, achievement was probably not anywhere in the top 10 values my fiance held. We were together for four years, and they were wonderful years where I learned the value of play, letting go, being more relaxed. However, long-term this was not a relationship that I could have made workable, because my value on achievement was so important, and the level of playing and relaxation he wanted did not support the level of achievement I wanted in my life. We valued very different things.
I see partners all the time who come for a divorce and one of the top reasons people divorce is a misalignment of values. So, what is one of the most important things that we should do in designing relationships? Get clear on your values, and spend time understanding the values of those you plan on being in relationship with.
What are your top five values?
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