Designing a Romantic Relationship

In working with clients who are ready to attract a partner, I usually start with 2 tools:

(1) Guided Meditation: Opening a space to help them connect inward to their heart's true desires. This means quieting the mind and starting to listen to the wiser, deeper, more grounded part of who we are. This is a pre-requisite for the steps that follow. Why? Because creating out of our "minds" will produce inconsistent, incomplete, and sometimes even disasterous results. Our minds/brains are great for analyzing data, labeling, comparing, etc. But the mind can't create. It can't effectively lead our lives. Only the Authentic Self can do these things in a way that brings us true fulfillment and joy.

(2) Ideal Scene for a Romantic Partner: Creating a description and vision that is truly aligned with our hearts and souls is a magical, fun, illuminating process. Ideal Scenes are filled with energy, enthusiasm, and grace. They invoke a power greater than ourselves to co-create our vision (or something even better) for the highest good of all concerned. They are positive, uplifting, and powerful. And they work. I have created everything in my life for the past 8 years using Ideal Scenes - my ideal partner, our dream home, health and well-being, our successful businesses, enhanced prosperity, a conscious community of friends and co-workers. I am literally living the life of my dreams. But not the dreams of my ego which don't really ever satisify -- the dreams of my heart and soul which allow me to experience amazing goodness in my life and share that with others to enhance their lives.

How do you create an Ideal Scene? Well, there are a few requirements, some of which I'll share in a future blog. If you can't wait to learn about them, then check out the creators of these tools at The University of Santa Monica. They have a 2 years Masters program in Spiritual Psychology that guides you step-by-step through the process, along with many other tools for creating the life you deserve. Or check out their weekend workshops (Loyalty to Your Soul)!

Dawn Hanley, M.A.
Break on Thru

Deepening our Relationships

The biggest driver of deepening any relationship is self-care; self-care on the part of yourself and the other in a relationship. We've seen it time and time again: one partner loses interest in enhancing themselves, keeping themselves at the same level of integrity they once had w/ their partner, or even losing the skill of acceptance w/ one's partner....what happens? The relationship quickly falls apart.

Many people really do put their relationships on auto-pilot. The result of auto-pilot: we quickly lose sight of reality, get stuck in our own self-centered thoughts, and even subconsciously cause potential or actual accidents. So, how do we create continual self-care?

One of the best solutions, which is the same thing we do when we realize we are on autopilot while driving: COME BACK TO THE PRESENT!

There is a whole art and science around being in the present. The study of mindfulness is an entire discipline on being present in the moment and how to use the "now" to be your fully, centered self.

Deepening a relationship involves a level of "being in the now" that doesn't come naturally to many. We get lost in our own thoughts & worries, processing tomorrow's to do lists. Our partner is talking and we are lost in our own world. Yep, that's the way to deepen a relationship :-)

While being in the present sounds deceptively simple, we all fall prey to the predator lurking in our minds ready to overtake our focus on what is going on in the "right now". True connection is only possible when we can keep ourselves in the "now". And that entails bringing ourselves back to the "now" again and again and again and again. It's a neverending practice.

So, the next time you get lost in your thoughts, ask yourself these questions? How often do I do this, and what is the impact of not fully being in the moment now with the person I am relating to? What might be different if I was fully present?

Becky Shook-Wotzka
Practitioner of the "Now"

Recovering from Infidelity

Well, a little different post today, but one that springboards from Nicolina's post. Here's the tv piece she was referring to in her post. Take a look at the tips for recovering from infidelity, and the tv piece that talks about a variety of items related to marriage breakdown.

http://www.sacandco.net/story.aspx?storyid=142208&catid=341

Becky Shook-Wotzka
Sacramento & Co's Relationship Expert :-)

The Shadow Within

Hello Again!

A recent opportunity to assist a colleague on interview research for TV news got me thinking about human behavior. The interview is mainly about trends in divorce, and the prevalence of infidelity in relationships. The same night, I watched old lecture footage that Joseph Campbell released back in the early 90's. If you haven't read The Power of Myth, I highly suggest it. Some interesting concepts that he posed made me contemplate an interesting connection.

One of the archetypes present throughout history is the "shadow", the master of instinctual drives. The shadow lives in all of us no matter what our cultural origins are. The question I had after watching the lecture revolves around the concept of right and wrong. Is the shadow wrong for having the drive to satisfy instinctual urges, or is society a confining mechanism that doesn't take our biology into account. After writing about magnetism, I realized that recognition of the magnetic self cannot be entertained until the instinctual drive is examined in a logical objective manner, and managed effectively.

The cause of infidelity in relationships. The sentence itself has to have meaning to those who read it. A promise of monogamy, or polygamy looks very different based on the individuals involved in the system being described. The word infidelity carries a huge emotional and cultural stigma, yet humans have always had issues with being faithful over and over again throughout history. I tried to look at it another way, by understanding that the group defines the nature of its relationship boundaries. The group with the most members defines a societal standard. If a man has two wives, and the system works for that family, why is it legislated that they cannot be a family recognized by sanctions that protect their pursuit of happiness. The same rights should also be afforded to the other minority cultures that exist, and there are too many to name.

In recognizing that we are are not only magnetism, but also biology born of magnetism, I summon the strength to appreciate beauty without fear, to appreciate a family for the energy they reciprocate, and hold no claims to argue that any system that functions well is wrong.

On another note, a healthy relationship has to come with truth on both sides. The truth is that humans have biological urges that cause them to at look others besides their significant others and acknowledge their attractiveness. This does not have to be a slight against us. It is a reality, and can be quite fun to discuss why this other person is attractive to us in that moment. Since most infidelities have a communication component, the first step towards that behavior is a failure to communicate needs to one another on many possible levels. So know yourself, be strong and confident that you are a wonderful and compassionate partner in what ever type of relationship you choose to have. Honestly, it took me a long time to rationalize this, as I have been quite jealous, and suspicious in the past. I have been hurt, I have hurt others, but I have learned, and will continue to learn to the best human I can be for the greatest good of all concerned.

Nicolina

Where to Start in Relationship Design

Now that we've talked about the kinds of conscious relationships that are possible, how do we create them?

The most important step to getting started is to access what you really want, and by this I mean the Authentic You.

Often, what we "think" we want in a relationship is actually a list of traits or qualities that someone else has labeled as desireable -- your family, your community, or the media at large.

How many of us are taught to get quiet, to listen to our internal voices, and discern the difference between messages from our heart/ intution/ higher consciousness vs. our "mind" which mostly replays a series of pre-programmed ideas/beliefs? Often our mind and our intuition have conflicting or contradicting needs, desires, and beliefs. So the results we get in our relationships tend to reflect these confused and "muddy" inputs.

In my experience as a teacher, coach and counselor, this is the most important, and often difficult, step for people to take.

Working with someone skilled in quieting the chatter and helping you discern the voices of your inner committee is one way to move forward with confidence into a relationship that truly supports, challenges, and nurtures you in a healthy and joyful way.

Your journey is unique and the answers you seek are not to be found in a book or on a blog -- these are merely navigational tools to guide you toward your own inner reflection and that still, deep voice where the Authentic Self is waiting to reveal more and more of it's magic to you and the people in your life.

From this place of inner communion, the secrets of your Soul unfurl and transform all your relationships, drawing to you the perfect partner, friends, and community.

So how does a person begin to access the Authentic Self? There are many approaches and schools of thought. But what is most important is the experience.

So when you look back at times in your life where you felt(or knew) a calmer, wiser, more grounded part of yourself was providing you council, how did you access it? Can you repeat the process and experience that Self again?

Dawn Solem Hanley, M.A.
Founder and Educator at Break on Thru

On-going Consciousness

In the last post, we spoke about getting into a conscious relationship. Now, let's take that one step further. How do you stay in a conscious relationship? Even the best of the relationship experts will tell you that it can be just as difficult for those of us who know "how to" do it...what happens if you don't have all the tools/techniques you need?

We cannot emphasize strongly enough that in education there is not enough focus on how to have a good relationship. And I'm not just talking about a romantic relationship, but I'm talking about relationships with parents, with friends, with co-workers. Frankly, even having a good relationship to self is challenging.

So, what happens if you've been in a relationship for awhile, and you want a deeper level of connectedness. Do you have those friendships that just carry on and remain somewhat surface even though the friendship is not something you will walk away from? I had one of those a few years ago with my best friend whom has been in my life ever since the beginning of high school.

How were we as best friends? We got together once a month or so, we talked about work, things we were doing, how extended family members were doing. It was like any friendship, right? Probably, but it just didn't have enough depth for a best friend, or for even a dear friend. So, what did we do? Well, to be blunt, I requested she go to Landmark Education. And she did.

But why? Because our friendship was important enough for her and I to find alignment around communicating....I mean really communicating. Now, the depth of our friendship runs deeper than I have expected.

We can talk about anything and everything. We can talk about constipation, and ask for real "listening" to our relationship issues. We can challenge one another to reach higher. We can tell the other when we need the person to be blunt and tell us what we don't want to see. Or we can simply go for a walk to cut flowers for the table, or talk for long hours about our dreams.

My best friend and I didn't always have this. And I'm assuming there are others of you who may crave for more in your own relationships. Keep an eye out for future blogs on "deepening your relationships".

Here's to S.B. and another 20 years (of deep connected friendship),

Becky Shook-Wotzka

Conscious Love

Hello!

As someone who has purposefully designed the best romantic relationship I have ever had, I am very excited to be a part of this blog. Just to tell you all a little about myself. I am a graduate student of psychology going into marriage and family therapy. I am also a 35 year old woman who has had many relationships that had elements of what I thought I wanted at the time, but never really worked into something stable. I realized I had to really think about who I am and what would make a good fit for me. With this goal of conscious love in mind, I sat down and started writing a list.

My current significant other who was my friend at the time brought a very interesting concept to my brainstorming process. What is the common thread to all the relationships I have had previously? I discovered there were two common threads actually. One involved a feeling of "love at first site". Your heart races, you are flushed, and you have knots in your stomach. There is a strong feeling of anticipation and nervousness right? This is a chemical component. Signals in the brain that tell your endocrine system to have a emotionally based physical response which then guides you toward a specific pattern of responses. These responses are usually to act in a manner to keep the chemicals flowing, and then the relationship dance begins, a course that we are almost enslaved to until the chemicals stop flowing, most likely caused by a pattern of behavior that he or she displays that effectively "turns us off".

I realized very quickly that I had never thought about a romantic relationship in a rational manner when all of these chemical were dancing around in my veins, clouding my mind's ability to manage the situation objectively. Most people never think about the other main component to compatibility which is an energy, a magnetism that is unique to the people involved, and sustained by the reciprocal energy generated by those engaged in the relationship. This magnetism is fed by a desire from both people to evolve and learn, to explore and communicate, and when the wind of space can flow between both people who are whole unto themselves. Co-dependency cannot support this kind of energy.

As time went by and I got to know him more through friendship, I began to see that their was a magnetism generating between us through our conversations, our honesty, and shared ideas. While this energy continued to grow, a natural flirtation started to happen. I watched this closely, as I knew he was watching as well. Enough time went by that I was ready to have a conscious conversation about this. Wow, really? People can decide that they want to be together instead of following the lure of the human mating dance of biological responses? This was completely new to me! So with my new resolve, I tested the waters and took my flirting into a little more of an aggressive mode via text. This spawned his immediate attention, and a meeting was scheduled. I know it sounds cold, clinical, and scary, but it wasn't. It was honest, realistic, and radically different.

Our meeting took place promptly when he got off of work, and although I was nervous, I could still think clearly. The basis of discussion was a series of questions that we would ask each other, painting a picture of what our relationship would look like from communication styles, future plans, sexual and emotional intimacy. The conversation took roughly two hours. When we were finished and we both had the information we had sought, the time came for both of us to share our desired outcome. The next 45 minutes mostly involved making out, and laughing as the outcome was what we both wanted. Now we are a year and a half into the most wonderful conscious love experience we have ever had, and there has been no slowing, waning, or depleting of that magnetism between us. The energy flows out from us to all we love as a shining beacon of conscious awareness in love, and relationships. I have never felt so happy, and connected! I look forward to being able to help many others discover the path to sustainable, magnetic, conscious love!

Many Blessings!

Nicolina